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[Aug. 4th, 2006|07:18 pm] |
for once i'm doing well. today i ate:
1 orange (60 cals)
1 cup non-fat yogurt (45 cals)
25 baby carrots (70 cals)
so thats 175 cals.
and so far i have worked out with weights for 2 hrs and 20 mins. so that burns around 700 cals. i'm still gunna do cardio later too. i feel good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 4th, 2006|01:07 am] |
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ughhhh im so sick of myself. i'm fasting right now it hasnt been that long yet but im trying not to give in. i hope i make it this time. fuck i feel so disgusting last night i slept at my best friends house (a guy) cuz his parents were gone..nothing happened but i felt like it wouldve if i hadnt been so self conscious and disgusted with myself. but last night he also told me something that shattered my heart and spirit completely. and i feel like i NEED to not eat. i cant get it out of my mind...i cant even type it. hes acting weird now too, and he told me he regrets last night cuz it wasnt worth it. i feel like shit. anyways i have many many reasons that i NEED to be skinny. i cant wait to get back down to 136 ish like before, cuz now i realize how much better that was than now, at somewhere in the 150s. but what i cant wait for is to go even lower. i know if it was back at a lower weight i would have the strength to stay strong and lose more. so i guess i need to get back to where i was then. anyways i'm hoping to make it through tonight and tomorow..i dont even want to weigh myself i just wanna focus on what i'm doing. but in a way i need to weigh myself. i need to weigh something a bit nicer by the 12th.. i'm taking drivers ed with a guy i know. and my parents are going away. thats 8 days away. how much is it possible to lose in 8 days?? i've heard up to 15 pounds. that would be like 140ish. i reallllllllllllllllllllly hope i can do it. but i need to try harder. i'm a fuckin piece of shit. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|11:49 pm] |
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today i started a fast at 1pm. i took an ECA stack, burned 140 cals on the treadmill, then went to work and burned 660 cals there, and drank only a liter of water since i've started fasting. i weighed 154.0 this morning. i hope i weigh less tomorow...i don't wanna eat anymore. i honestly just don't. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2006|09:22 am] |
ok yesterday at like 1pm when i woke up i ate a piece of birthday cake and then i purged it. i didn't eat again until night, where i ate 2 pieces of pizza at my friends birthday party...ughh. then in the morning i ate a bowl of cereal with 2% MILK thats fuckin disgusting even 1% disgusts me sometimes, i make my mom buy me skim while the rest of the family drinks 1%. but i was like ok whatever i'll just puke it up when i get home so i didnt think it was a big deal, but it ended up being too long afterwards that my dad came so there wasn't much point. i weighed 150.4 after eating all that cereal but there's at least a good pound or more just foodwise there. so i'll weigh myself later on an empty stomach. i ate about 150 cals of fruit after to give myself some good nourishment and as of 9:30 am i'm fasting. i dont have a set time for how long but i'm not working today so i'm gunna excercise later too. whatever its not a big deal about the cereal, at MOST it could have been 500-600 calories there, in a WORST case scenario. and that plus 150 cals is still a starvation diet. so its not the end of the world. anyways thats all i have to say for now. i wanna be skinny so badly. i would die of happiness if i could weigh 126 or less by the 14th of august.
i'm happy that i didnt binge yesterday too :) hopefully i will stop that for good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|12:35 pm] |
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omg how is this possible ?!?!?!?! i'm 149.6!!!!!!! thats 3.6 pounds in one day!! and i didnt even fast OR excercise!! wow i hope to god it continues like this. the weight is flying off. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2006|10:35 pm] |
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YES I weighed 153.2 this morning on an empty stomach and now I weigh 151.6 after eating a piece of birthday cake!! that birthday cake and a glass of skim milk is the only thing i kept down today, i kno its too much but i find it hard to care when i lost 1.6 pounds since this morning :) i hope this continues, and hopefully i'm on my way. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2006|06:03 pm] |
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today was interesting..last night i didn't sleep EVER. lol. i took a half hour "rest" at 11:30 am and thats it for today. this morning i drank up cup of coffee and i put a drizzle of milk and a tablespoon of sugar, and then for some crazy reason i purged it. then i starved until supper, ate and purged again. i'm not sure if i got it ALL but im pretty sure i got most. then i took an ECA stack. except i dont have ephedrine, i only have pseudoephedrine, so i dont know if it will have the same effects. i might as well try if i cant do any better. so it was 120 mg pseudoephedrine (i read that it is 3 times less effective than ephedrine, so i dosed 6 times more to make it hopefully twice as effective or at least the same), 200 mg caffeine, and 325 mg aspirin. i'll see how it goes. i'm not eating for the rest of the night either. i weighed 153.2 at 8:02 this morning, i'll weigh myself tomorow and see if anything has changed. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2006|12:25 am] |
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ok only now do i realize MY WEIGHT GAIN STARTED WHEN I STARTED TAKING EFFEXOR AND HAS CONTINUED EVER SINCE. and with this realization, i am making my doctor take me off it, and hopefully going to easily lose the weight i gained during it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|04:34 pm] |
july 26- 600 cal day
so far today:
4 red mike and ikes - 26 cals (0g fat even though their candies)
10 strawberries - 50 cals
20 raspberries - 20 cals
1 large peach - 61 cals
1 plum - 30 cals
1 cup fat-free yogurt - 50 cals
that's 237 cals so far today, and all in fat-free safe foods. not bad :)
i might take an orange and a calorie free drink to work and then eat something small when i get home. i may not even eat 600 cals today. i weighed 153.8 this morning since i binged yesterday, but hopefully i'll drop fast on my new eating plan. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|02:07 am] |
this is my plan:
july 26- 600 cals
july 27- 500 cals
july 28- 400 cals
july 29- 300 cals
july 30- 200 cals
july 31- 100 cals
august 1- fast for as long as possible
ughhh hopefully i can do this, i'm sooo sick of myself and what i've been doing to my body lately. i just need some fucking self control. i don't wanna be fat when i go back to school, do i ?!?!?! and for the rest of the summer?? i wonder how much its possible to lose by september..after i lose some of the weight it'll be easier to lose the rest because i wont be so ashamed to go outside and out places. i'll be able to distract myself and excercise outside. i can swim and tan and relax. anyways...i'll post every day with updates. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2006|11:45 am] |
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wow i thought i would weigh like 155-156 today cuz i ate sooo much shit yesterday but surprisingly i weighed 151.2 ! i dont know how thats possible, but i'm not complaining since its less. still gross, but i'm on my way back down. i've decided instead of trying to fast i'm just gunna aim for 400 cals a day for now, cuz every time i try to fast right off the bat, i fail miserably and end up b/p-ing. anyways so far today i've eaten an orange. wish me luck |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 22nd, 2006|07:52 pm] |
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today was bad bad bad bad bad...i starved all day until 6:30pm but i got soooo triggered at work (grocery store cash lol) and by the end i was FANTASIZING about food like crazy. i felt like i was gunna die if i didnt eat LOTS as soon as possible. i wanted to eat forever and ever and ever and never get full. then puke it up. anyways i went to a chinese buffet for supper with my mom. it was TERRIFYING. i ate and ate and ate. but by the time i was home it was too late to say that no calories had absorbed. i threw up about half or 3/4 of it. i hope more. but then i stopped cuz my friend is coming over soon. so i failed again. i might eat again later with her now that it's too late. but i shouldnt. i should restart my fast as of 7:30 pm. i'll see what i'm gunna do later. wow i'm such a fatass its scary. these 2 girls were laughing at how much desserts i took from the buffet. i wanted to scream FUCK U BITCHES I'M THROWING IT UP AFTER. but instead i just kept eating. my eyes were like glazed over it was scaryyyy. anyways enough about that. i've had enough chinese food to last the rest of my life, lets just leave it at that. a bulimic at a buffet is possibly the scariest thing in the world.i felt like a kid at disney land. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 22nd, 2006|03:54 am] |
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it's 4 am i can't sleep as usual. this is my first post to this journal. wow i can't even believe the weight fluctuations that bulimia brings..from 162 down to 136 and then back up to 154 !!!! its ridiculous. even typing that number makes me feel sick. i never thought i would be here again. but somehow i let the depression of gaining weight fuel me into gaining more and more. now i need to drop it all times 10. anyways as of today, july 22, i am going to lose as much weight as is humanly possible in the next 45 days. i need to be skinny by school. i don't care what i have to do or what i have to give up anymore. i can't live like this. it will all be worth it. i drank 1.5 litres of water at 2 in the morning lol that was pretty stupid i'm gunna be up all night. anyways i found that a 4 hours shift at work burns about 602 calories?!?! is that even possible? but if it is i'm so happy. that means an 8 hour shift would burn like 1200. it's ridiculous. anyways i'm working tomoro so i'm going to sleep, wake up, go to work, come home and relax. no eating cuz i need to cleanse my system of all this nasty binge food from the past while. i'm disgusting. no more telling myself that i'll start being good "tomorrow". i'm going to start being good today. |
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